Grief and Childhood Trauma

     It's been quite a long time since I've been here but sometimes life comes along and doesn't give you any extra minutes to spare. The last time I opened these pages was 2022. So much has happened since then and it now seems so long ago. Anyway, here I am. I'm back. 

   A lot has happened since my last entry in 2022 but in a nutshell, the man of my dreams, Michael Croke, passed away last summer on July 4/23 after a long illness. It broke my heart. We had 33+ amazing years together and I'm thankful for each, and every one of them. We always thought of our relationship as our very own fairy tale. He fought so long and hard to live, not for himself but for me. He didn't want to leave me here alone. He was worried about me right to the very end. I admit it's been a long, cold winter. I'm hoping summer will help with some much-needed warmth that I so crave right now.

     It hasn't been an easy year but I've learned a few things about myself. I thought I had put my past to bed but little did I know it was still coming along for the ride.

     I started spring cleaning about a month ago. You know busy stuff. Things you can do to keep your mind off the one you're not with. Anyway, I found a box of my old journals. I've kept journals for many years. In my day we called them diaries. Same thing. They were meant to be private. I used to pour my heart out in them. The funny thing was, I didn't have one journal from before Michael. I don't remember throwing them away but they could have gotten lost in all the moves. I'm not upset because they were a sad time in my life. Growing up in my home was not a pleasurable memory. It was hell but I didn't know any different at the time.

     So, while doing some research about grief, I came across an article about childhood trauma. Well, that was an eye-opener for me. That's when all the bells and whistles went off in my head. I have to be the harshest critic of myself and it's all in those journals. It comes from being raised by a crazy woman, who was my mother. She was a violent, aggressive alcoholic with a nasty mean streak when it came to her daughters and we paid the price. Neither of us is violent or aggressive. 

     I never thought of myself as being enough. I always condemned myself for not working harder and not doing more. I never told any of this to Michael because I thought I had left it in the dust. It was part of my past. Besides he always thought I worked way too hard. He always told me how beautiful I was. He thought I was the most intelligent woman he had ever met. Each and every day he affirmed this so it was easy to ignore my own thoughts. He never got to see the part of me where I always doubted myself.  But, there it was in all my journals of our life together. As happy as I was with my life and him, I still wasn't satisfied but only with myself. When he died I became that frightened young woman again from 33 years ago who was afraid of her own shadow.

     My journals have opened my eyes and I'm learning I've always been enough. Maybe now, it will become easier for me as I continue to read the journals of our story. I'm learning, that not only am I mourning the loss of Michael, I'm mourning the loss of me. I'm mourning the loss of a childhood that I never got to have. By the time I was 13, I was the chief cook and bottle washer, when we had food. I was also the maid. I know that brave, young woman who stood by Michael Croke's side is still inside this old woman with a broken heart. I just have to find a way to get her back into the sun so she can shine again.  

     I've been told the path through grief is different for everyone. No two are alike. Each of us has to find our own way through it. It's a solitary journey. There is no timestamp on how long it will take. No fast rules on how it's done. Some days are good, some are bad and some are horrific and the tears just won't stop. All I can tell you is just go with it. If you're having a good day, make it count. Do everything and anything that makes you smile. When you're having a bad day, go easy on yourself. Sit back, have a cup of tea, and let it happen. Have a long hot bath or a shower. Light a candle. Cuddle up with your pet. Call a friend. If it's been a horrific day and the memories and the tears just won't stop, be kind to yourself. Curl up in a big chair with your favorite cuddle blanket and cry. Just let it go. I have experienced each of these kinds of days and sometimes all three in one day. 

     I wish I could tell you it will get better but I'm only 10 months into what I consider a life sentence. I'm not a professional in any way, just a little old lady who misses her cowboy. I still love him with all my heart. I still miss him each and every day. And I still want him home with me, where he belongs.

Judy   

Where Did The Time Go?

      I realized today, that it's been over a year since I last wrote anything. There hasn't been much of anything positive to write about in my defense. I open this page with good intentions but when I get here and see the blank white page staring at me, I close down. I lose focus. My little grey cells all run to their various corners and hibernate. It has been a rough year for me. Shit, it's been a rough year for everybody and from what I can see, it's not going to get any better. The whole world is stuck in a rut and it's going to take great individual and group effort to climb back out.    

     I've tried to stay positive through all of this but it gets hard some days. Even my posts on Facebook are a little bleak and dark at times. Before Covid, I was always upbeat and positive. I was always the one on your ass about staying with the plan and moving forward. Somewhere along the line, I forgot what the plan was and lost site of Plan B. I'm no longer moving forward. I'm running around in circles and getting nowhere fast. This virus has affected us in more ways than one. Soon we'll start referring to our lives as BC and AC. (Before Covid and After Covid.) Now to top things off, we have Monkey Pox on the rise. I don't even want to go there.

     So now it's time for me to re-address my Plan B. My alternate plan never took into consideration a world pandemic. Stubbing my toe or putting my back out for a few days is one thing, you go to Plan B. A total global shutdown was not even considered a possibility. Suddenly we were all living in the middle of a science-fiction thriller movie.

     I don't think Covid will ever leave us now and I can only imagine what lies ahead. One thing I do know is if we can't go back to the way it was, then it's time to take back as much as we can and then build on that. 

Live A Good Day

     Judy

     

     

     

Getting Back to Basics

      

     The days are getting longer and we have buds on the big maple tree outback. My chives are up about 4" already and some of the other herbs are starting to turn green. The birds are coming in and the chipmunks are back. This is the time of year when life feels so promising.

I Really Need To Get Out More

     It's been a little over a month since I was last here. I have to say, it's been a slow easy summer. COVID is still with us and it does have a way of regulating a life. I have to admit though, it really hasn't changed my approach to life. I've become pretty laid back and a homebody to boot and I'm good with that. There's nowhere here in town that I want to be, except for my little patch.

     I don't seem to have a lot to write about anymore but this started long before COVID hit us. When you no longer work outside the home, your world starts to become smaller. Michael is my link to the world beyond my driveway. I'm quite comfortable but it may not be a good thing in the foreseeable future. I'm starting to understand about having a circle of friends.

Day 33, Corona Lockdown

     It's hard to believe we're on day 33 of a countrywide lockdown. Shit, it's a worldwide lockdown! I wake up each morning and the first 30 seconds before I fully come awake, all is well. I sit up on the side of my bed, take a deep breath, and then realize with a sigh, another day in quarantine. Another day with hours to fill and time on my hands. I have been made to slow down, whether I like it or not.

COVID-19, Day 25

     It's day 25 of the COVID-19 lockdown and it still doesn't look any better out there. There are days when I feel like I'm on the set of an episode of The Walking Dead. It's all so surreal. Even though I knew this was coming for a long time, I'm still wondering how this could have happened. Why didn't the leaders of our country put us into lockdown straight away and tighten our borders? They knew what was happening in China and yet they chose to do nothing. I don't understand how they made the decision to play with millions of lives because of big business. Now everything is going to come crashing down on their heads. This virus doesn't care if you are rich or poor. It doesn't care about the color of your skin. It doesn't care about the number of people dying. Our government is trying to help as best they can now, but is it too little, too late? If they had done what was right from day one, we might have been able to avoid the worst of this catastrophe.

What Makes Your Soul Happy?

      I'm sitting here at my kitchen table watching it snow again. This spot is my favorite place to write. The view isn't what I would call spectacular but it can be interesting at times. Sitting here I realize over the past year I've gained something I didn't have before. My injury forced me to slow down and because of it, I have found contentment I didn't have previously. I feel at peace and my soul is happy.

A Whole Lifetime Away

     Today is my birthday and I turned 66. How do I feel you ask? No different than I did when I turned 26 or 36. Yes, my body moves a bit slower and I have a few aches and pains but no different. Back when I was 26, 66 seemed a lifetime away and unimaginable. But, here I am, a whole lifetime away.

Transitioning

         Last year at this time I had a nasty fall in January and dislocated my shoulder. I had to have surgery to repair it. While it was healing my doctor discovered I had done damage to an already damaged lower back. It's taken a whole year to get my life back. But now, I'm not quite sure how much of it I actually want back. While sitting around for months on end healing, I had so much time to reflect on my life and the direction it was going in. Right now, at this very moment, I am transitioning but I don't know what direction it's taking me in. 

Life After Death?

     I think of death way too often. Not my own so much but Michael's. I know it's crazy but it pops into my head. In the last 20 years, this man has come down with 2 very rare diseases and survived them both. Maybe it's because of the number of times I've come so close to losing him. Maybe it's because of his age. We are getting up there and there's no denying it's going to happen someday.

True Colors?

     I've spent the last week experimenting with my camera and it doesn't matter what I do, I'm not getting true colors. It's driving me crazy. I've tried every option on the little dial thingy and nothing works. I've tried taking photos in every room of the house looking for the best light. It's still not giving me what I want. I was ready to chuck the dam thing out the window.

Feeling Rather Fragile Today

     A few weeks ago a fellow writer from The Other Side Of Sixty wrote an article called "Copper." It was about an old-timer being moved from his apartment to a home. He could no longer take care of himself. The story was rather poignant and it made you realize that someday, that could be me or you. It was sad but life is what it is. This week that story unfolded right before my eyes and I have to tell you, I'm feeling rather fragile today.

I Have A Dream

     Over the past two years, I've been working on a website for an online store of my own. I made myself a promise to have it up and running by the time I turned 65. That date is quickly approaching. I have good ideas of what I want but trying to implement them has not been easy. I have a dream but it's all locked up in this foggy brain of mine. Each and every step is a learning curve. 

I Want To Be Fabulous

     Another rain day. This is starting to get monotonous. Mike and I have been trying to get out to the bush for a day but all this rain keeps holding us back. I know we need it. The lakes are all so low because of the drought we had this past summer. Oh well, there's nothing that can be done so I'll have to find something else to occupy my time this afternoon.

I Have Arrived, I Am Home

      It's hard to believe it's been a little over two months since I last wrote anything. Life is finally getting back to normal and I've had such an urge to get back here. When I'm not writing I always feel sort of disjointed, not quite complete. But I have arrived, I am home.

3 Bedrooms, 2 Baths

     Well, it's been a stressful few weeks. I had no idea how bad the housing crisis was in Elliot Lake. It came right down to the wire. By the time housing got back to us they had only two townhouses left and one was way out of my budget. We rented the one that was left but we had to take it for the first of September or they wouldn't be able to hold it for us.

Rough Roads Ahead

     It's Friday the 13th. I didn't realize it until I started writing. I'm not superstitious so it doesn't bother me in any way. What is interesting is the fact that it's Friday the 13th, it's also a New Moon tonight and for the first time in over a month, we are having some much-needed rain. Very auspicious.

     Life is starting to settle down a bit but I know there will be more rough roads ahead before this move is complete in September. Now that I've finally taken steps to look at places I'm feeling a bit more settled. I know what my options are and I'm moving forward regardless of the outcome. I can't control what is happening but I can make the best choices available to me to make sure the end result gives us what we need.

Self-Sabotage

     The last two weeks have been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. Life came along and decided it was my turn to have a curve ball thrown into the middle of my perfect life. The idea of having to move again devastated me, after all, we have only been in this little house ten months and now the landlord wants to sell. I just couldn't see a way around the brick wall in my head. I stopped eating properly, I stopped exercising and basically wallowed in self-pity. This is what I call self-sabotage. Not a good place to be.

Old Age Ain't No Place For Sissies

      I haven't been around for the last couple of weeks. Life has thrown us another curve ball and I let it take over every waking moment of my days. My nights haven't been great either. I lay in bed wondering what the hell are we going to do now?

      We're moving again. I was praying that the last move would be long term but the landlord has decided to sell the house. He's asking way too much for the property and financially we just aren't prepared to buy. We love it here in Spanish but we've learned over the last year that it cost us too much to live here, away from all the amenities. Staying here in Spanish would be financial suicide for us. We need to be closer to the things we need such as doctors, stores, and friends. We've decided to move back to Elliot Lake.

Time Management For Retirees

     It's Friday. For some of you, this is a reason to celebrate. The week is almost over and you finally get some downtime. As for me, I'm retired and every day is the weekend.

     I never realized I would be this busy as a retiree. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done. I am enjoying myself but I do need to find a way to get some organization in my life. I seem to run from one task to another without getting anything fully completed or I get so immersed in one item that I forget there are other things that have to be done. I'll have to work on this.