Life After Death?

     I think of death way too often. Not my own so much but Michael's. I know it's crazy but it pops into my head. In the last 20 years, this man has come down with 2 very rare diseases and survived them both. Maybe it's because of the number of times I've come so close to losing him. Maybe it's because of his age. We are getting up there and there's no denying it's going to happen someday.

     I think what bothers me the most is I can't imagine my life without him. I know it sounds foolish and selfish but it's there in my head just floating around. What will happen to me? Where will I go? How would I survive without him? How do I move forward without him?

     For the last 30 years, it's been just him and me. We have no children together and our families are just extensions of who we are and what we have become together. How in the world would I fill that void? It would be like walking out of a lush forest into a barren, frozen landscape. How in the world would I cope without him? Oh, I know his family and mine would rally round but even they could never take his place.

     I've been married twice before and never imagined that love could be like this. Even after 30 years, he's all I think of. He fills my every waking moment. Everything I do, regardless of what it is, is to make our lives more comfortable and easier. Every time he leaves the house without me, I wonder if it will be the last time I see him. We've made a habit of always kissing and saying "I love you" at least a dozen times a day and every night before we go to sleep. Finding Michael was my fairy tale that came true

     I'm starting to understand more about having a circle of friends around you for support through the bad times. Michael and I have very few friends. Oh, we have a lot of acquaintances but no close friends. We've always been best friends and that was more than enough for us. There's no one we hang out with or go to supper with. It's just the two of us. Neither of us has anyone we could fall back on for support. Mike has a large family that would help him but me, I have only my daughter.

     Making friends is hard for me. I've pretty much been a loner for such a long time. Michael has always been enough. I find most women boring. I don't want to spend my day talking about the exploits of our grandchildren and bitching about other women. I don't want to constantly talk about the good old days and I can't figure out why anyone would. There's so much going on in this world and so many things to explore and learn. When I go down to the club with Mike, I usually sit with the guys, The conversation is much more interesting.

     Then again I could be the one that goes first. I have to admit at times like this, death does scare me a bit. I can understand why some seniors pick up religion but that's not for me. I really don't believe there's some all-knowing guy up there with a retirement home all ready just for us. 

   

     To be honest I don't know what I believe is the afterlife. I think I see it like reading a good book. When you get to the end you close the cover and wish it still had another chapter.